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There are so many singles wishing to meet singles on free singles dating sites! But how can you understand that this or that person is better than another one? When you visit singles dating websites there is always a great choice of pretty faces. Below you will find a (jokey) (‘humorous’ ‘jocular’ ‘toungue-in-cheek’) list of tests for the perfect wife.

No, no, no! No love at first sight! No infatuation! No sunstroke! No feelings at all but cold selection.

Why? Because now we are going to talk about the choosing of your WIFE, your precious spouse, the mother of your future children, the grandmother of your lovely grandchildren. This situation demands a total lack of feeling. Moreover, emotion is bad. It’s like buying a car at a motor show. You would certainly not be rushing from one shiny car to another yelling `I take this one! The bonnet is such a beautiful colour! No! This one’s better! Its headlights are so shiny! Oh, just look at this streamline back! It’s perfect! Perfect’

Silly, isn’t it? When choosing a car something different matters: its safety, efficiency, design and finally its price. It is just these very criteria we will be using when buying - that is choosing - a wife.

The first group of tests. Safety

1. Family

What do you think a man in his right mind does when he catches sight of a girl more or less suitable as being a match for him? Does he tax his brain to the limit trying to imagine the looks of the girl’s breasts hidden in her bra or her bottom in her tights?. Indeed: lost mind – lost life. The first thing he has to do in such a situation is pay her family a visit - that is to meet all her family including the old grandparents, kids and pets around the big dinner table. Of course this is going to be a real challenge but in reward you will get a clear picture of the environment she lives in.

If the members of her family don`t resemble a cabinet of curiosities and you are ready to see your firstborn looking like your girlfriend’s grandpa, lisps like her daddy, giggles like her and inherits your bulbous nose and swagger at that - Congratulations! You have successfully passed the first test and now you are ready to join your own precious chromosome set with that of your future family.

Interests

And now let’s slyly leave our starving guests that are already busy with tenth bottle of gin and go straight to your girlfriend’s lovely room.

What is your girl doing, when nobody sees her? Is she embroidering in satin-stitch or perhaps taking a machine gun apart blindfold at high speed. What does she keep on her dressing table? A book of dreams or “Lingvostylistic analysis of psalms in religious-philosophical context of spiritual poetry in XVII century”? Embroidery and dream book is preferable in any case, but it’s up to you to decide.

Though you should remember - if your fianc�e has a liking for posters with fluffy pussy-cats and new-born chickens than you could find yourself in the dock and your better half an early grave and a premature meeting with The Creator.

Ah, by a fluke – you also have a soft spot for little defenseless animals? Perfect! Then let’s start another test.

3. Surroundings

Swaggering pimple-faced lads and girls with dandruff and monstrous haunches – are these the friends of the girl you like? – Well they won’t vanish after the wedding as does a nightmare at the first rays of daybreak. Quite the contrary – they are there forever as friends of the family; they will turn up at your house at any time of night, walk impudently into your house devour the contents of your fridge, spoil your favourite disks and than have sex noisily in the kitchen disturbing your sleep until morning. Therefore make sure your fianc�e rejects this gang right now - or choose another girl who keeps better company.

Second group of tests. Economy.

1. Shopping

Visiting a large expensive prestige shop will be an ideal test for a future wife, or ten small but more expensive prestige boutiques. What would you do if your chosen one loses control of herself at the sight of gaudy clothing and heaps of foreign nosh, if she grabs everything without looking at price tags, or on the contrary, she says to the shop girls in a nasal voice that she has never see such dross in her whole life………..

So, there is nothing you can do but leave the shop with a plausible excuse (to smoke, to ring up….) and leave that girl, leave that city, leave that continent and that planet forever. Because a true future wife, mother and grandmother should first make four or five familiarization circles around the shopping centre, asking prices, trying fabric but shaking her head sadly. And that she confesses that it is very nice here but the prices are unreasonably expensive and that her boots are quite good to wear for three-four more seasons, and what about a fur coat – she will not need it at all because of global warming on the planet. So then, my sweetheart, we’d better go home – to drink tea with the pies baked her at home.

And at home………, at home a true future wife, mother and grandmother will produce a beautiful package (which she had bought secretly) out of her bag as a conjurer (pay attention, she doesn’t use you purse!). And what is there - a wonderful man’s shirt that matches your shoes perfectly, moreover, it sets off the blue colour of your beautiful eyes. I hope the shirt isn’t too tight under the arms? Wonderful. Then, let’s continue.

2. Rest

A good wife never gets tired. She is always cheerful, benevolent and active at any time. She refuses point-blank to lie down, stretch legs and just have a rest.

3. Living together

Only a madman would enter into marriage without this most important test (and that takes at least six months). How you should conduct this test? You should conduct it in this way: you give your girl 10 minutes to pack her things (that is enough – otherwise she would have time to take sanitary ware and curtain rails) and then carry her with all these goods and chattels. (By the way, if she hadn’t take your photo in a beautiful frame as the most valuable thing – it’s a ve--ery bad sign!). After this you should give a very modest sum of money to your girlfriend for household expenses and to disappear somewhere for five days or so.

If you come back and find your flat repaired and clean as at the first day of the creation, kitchen - filled with finger-licking food, your girl –made up, fresh and ready to indulge in carnal love, and you find a little bit more than half of the sum you left in the center of room on a table … Yes, perhaps, it is time to look more attentively at this baby.

Third group of tests. Design.

1. Thighs

Wide. Very wide - are better, for future posterity not to squeeze to white world, flattening a nose and disfiguring cranial bones, but jump out of mother with ease as a champagne cork.

2. Breast

Large. Very large – is better, because formula milk is allergenic and is not at all cheap. And babies nursed with breast milk develop better and are less prone to illness.

3. Legs

Strong and not very long. A good wife is a maneuver, mobile and of great endurance. On average, in fact, a woman covers a long distance over the course of her life full of troubles and running about a flat from cooker to refrigerator, to the cradle and back - it’s at least a hundred and fifty thousand kilometres.

4. Face

Frankly speaking, it is not important in the main. But perhaps for some reason you would like to use your wife not only according to her intended purpose but to appear in society. Just because women with straight, nice nose rarely have a cold in the head (so, less idle time), big blue eyes clear crystalline lens - is a sign of strong eyes, as a rule, and healthy, strong, white teeth mean that food will be carefully chewed (and it means that a stomach will work normally for a long time), and the dentist won’t get to your wallet just yet.

Fourth group of tests. Price.

And if your girl passes all four groups of tests, she is invaluable.

SHE IS – PRICELESS! If you succeed in finding such treasure, do away immediately with your bachelor life, brainless girlfriends, eternal drinking-bouts - and rush to the nearest registry office with the girl of your dreams. But on your way there make sure that she is not a mirage...And it is not fantasy.....So, just in case.... And that you are not under influence of drastic remedies. Because, you know, everything could happen with men.